so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
