Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
