I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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