dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
