I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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