You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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