He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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