he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
