seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
