Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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