morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
50% drunk capacity currently
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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