I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
