someone get that fucking seahorse.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
