He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
