I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I got inside last night via doggy door
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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