Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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