You're completely useless in the revolution.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
