my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
