I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
