I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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