You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
