it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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