I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
