Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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