Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
