Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Houston, we have a blender
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
