I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Swine flu is the new snow day.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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