The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
