I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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