Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
