Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
