i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
