It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
