Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
