dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
