You're my little dorito
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
