SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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