Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
