We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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