the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
she peed on how many people?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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