he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
