how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm like, not good at living.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
