I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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