My hand turned me down
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
