He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
