I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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