i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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