what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
