As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Randomize
