apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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