Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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