I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
