u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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