Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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